Why?
by Lady Valmar
Summary: Warning: POV. Could be Rodney's or Elizabeth's response to Sheppard. Very Emotional. Some swear words. Wrote this up quickly so sorry if it's a little odd. Kind of depressing actually. WIP


Title: Why?

Author: Lady Valmar

Genre: General POV

Rating: T

Spoilers: None

**Warning: POV Very Emotional. Some swear words. Could be McShep or McWeir depending on which one you prefer. It's should be noted this is _their_ response to something Sheppard did. I won't say what he didbut I'll leave that up in the air for now. Still a WIP.**

Inspiration: Based off an argument I've had with my lover

**Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis and as such I can only say I own this fic.**

**A/N**: Alipeeps and Sylvester thanks to both of you for giving me constructive, helpful reviews.

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… **.LV.** …

Why did I let him do that to me? Why? What the fuck is wrong with me? I'm so tired of feeling like this. Feeling empty inside and having no way to express it. I feel so lost…and so alone and all he can do is criticize me for acting wishy-washy. All he can do is stand there and stare at me and tell me I'm at fault.

Shit! He's the one who should be begging on his knees. I'm not the one who needs to learn how to comfort someone already in pain. He's is just a Thyfoid Mary of Stress barging me with more stress on top of the ones I already have. I don't need it. I don't… No…I…

Why can't I just lay down and die? Why can't I just take a trigger to it?

Because I know it's foolish, I can't do it and it would be a great waste of life. I'm can't stop this pointlessness of crying but I know if I hold it in, it will only get worse. I really wish I were just a fantasy character. Just somebody's made up dream with imperfections included. I wish I could just make all this pain go away.

I am so rundown. So utterly and bitterly defeated and at this point I'm almost willing to inflict pain on myself to take the pain my heart, mind and soul are feeling away. I just want to get run from all these Drama Kings and Queens in my life. Frankly, put I am almost willing to throw my love away for him and just say fuck it. But the dark and deep sorrow I feel at the mention of it sends me into spasms of anguish. Should I even dare breathe a word of 'goodbye forever' to him…it would pierce my heart so deeply I would take my own life.

Damn Sheppard! Damn HIM! For making me like this. For making me fall in love with him. DAMNIT!

I think my best bet is to tell him tomorrow that until I can find myself again and be at peace I can't talk to him. Until I can put my feet on the ground and have some stability I just can't.

There is so much to say but I think my being has already spoke it. I think I already felt it. I did what I did and I cannot undo it. Now all I can do is look forward…to find the frail me that I am. My only solice and guide will be the strength I know hides deep down in me.

Sheppard…my work…its going to have to go away for the moment. Until I am myself again I can't see them or deal with them. He will be hard to deal with in telling him this bit and my work partners harder still as I can't just quit anytime I feel like it but I will manage to deal no matter how hard.

I've decided that if by tomorrow morning I still feel this empty depressive sorrow deep within my weary sack of skin I will talk to him than perhaps I will find my strength to face myself.

-For even Love's bitterness is my light.

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Striding up the hallway was the Colonel, his expression forlorn and silent. After debating with himself about what had happened. He could only come to one conclusion that _this_ wasn't going to work. This being the relationship. They had to end it. He had to.

He just didn't know what else to do. Reason said to him that if he really wanted to this to work he would have stopped pushing but his gut told him it wasn't him who was doing this…

Hesitating before the door, he took a deep breath and knocked. It was then he felt it…perhaps just dust in the eye but a tear welling in his eyes as he prepared the goodbye speech. The door slide open revealing a disorganized ensemble of a person, their eyes red from tears and something shiny in their hand.

"Sheppard?"

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**A/N**: Still working this. It's sort of a side project thing for when I get writer's block in writing my other fics. I welcome suggestions and the like. 


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